My identity for the past seven years has been Mum. I know I’m more than just a mum but who am I really? I had my first son at age twenty three and they say your twenties are for finding out who you are and what you want. Now I don’t regret having Master J so young but maybe I missed that memo. I became so absorbed in my role as his mother and it is the most important role that I will play. I don’t think I knew who Kelly was before he was born. I was going through a stage of pretending to be someone I thought people wanted me to be, of whom I thought I wanted to be, someone who fitted in.
Pretending to be someone else is hard work. What did Kelly believe? Did it match up with who I was wanted to be like at that time. What If I changed too much and people knew I was acting? The answer was to just go with the flow right, just say what I thought, just do as I thought I would do. No that wasn’t the answer the real Kelly was boring, asked stupid questions and had no confidence at all.
So here I was a young mother. That was my identity. I was referred to as Master J’s mother. I loved my role as his mum. I gave up trying to find out who I was I had bigger fish to fry. I met Mr C when I was twenty four going on twenty five. I was suddenly faced with questions I hadn’t really thought about in sometime. What do you believe in? What do you like to do for fun? What do you like? Um I like to hang out with my son. We go to the park for fun. What do I like? What do you mean what do I like? Is this a favourite food or colour question?
I know it sounds crazy. Like who doesn’t know who they are? I didn’t really go anywhere without Master J. We were two peas in a pod and we did everything together. I was a single mum, I was really all he had and he was all I had. Choosing to get into a relationship meant not only knowing who I was as a mother but knowing who I was as a person. Choosing to get into a relationship with Mr C meant he wanted to know who I was, what I wanted in life and what I really thought. I grew comfortable enough to answer these questions without thinking “is this how other person thinks?” Have I learnt everything about myself? No, I never will because every experience changes who I am. Sometimes I meet someone who is exactly who I wish was like and though I can improve myself, I am not them. We are different. We have lead different lives, made different choices and we deserve to be different. We all have something to offer as ourselves.