Some days are harder than others. Like today. My morning started with a bad headache and back pain. I got ready, dropped my oldest son at school and took my husband to the bus stop. Master T was being cute saying I love you and signing along to songs I was playing while I was folding washing. Then it started. He wanted a pack of chips. It was only nine in the morning which isn’t his snack time anyway. I said no, he could have fruit but nothing else til ten thirty. Being a two year old this prompted the first tantrum of the day. Then there was refusing to shut the fridge door which had it beeping like mad so I shut it. This again started a tantrum with involved screeching at the top of his lungs. The morning continued with tantrums of not getting what he wanted.
Nap time. This isn’t normally a battle time but today he didn’t want to nap. He got his five books read to him and when it was time to lay down he rehanded me the books to read again. I told him he had enough books, it’s nap time. He started screaming and screeching at the top of his lungs and refusing to lie down. After ten minutes I had to leave his room. I didn’t want to yell at him. I made sure he had all the toys he likes to sleep with and then I shut his bedroom door. I walked out to the kitchen and started sweeping. We had only just started sitting in his bedroom doorway when he goes to bed instead of sitting beside him so he’s not used to being alone in his room. I did controlled crying with Master J and promised I would never do that with Master T but this was for me this time not for getting him to sleep. I went back every five minutes put him back in bed and left this happened twice before he just lay in bed screaming. He wasn’t stopping. Who on earth leaves their kid screaming? I would judge someone else for doing that and here I was doing it.
I went back in there. I sat on his bed looking away and he stopped screaming and was sniffling. I felt like a real bitch. I fixed his shorts stroked his leg and said I was sorry. I told him I loved him and he looked at me with the biggest saddest red rimmed eyes I had ever seen and it broke my heart. He didn’t believe for me for second right there in that moment. I put my needs before his. He didn’t say anything back he just continued sniffling. I put my arms out for a hug and he leaned forward, I hugged I told him I was so sorry that Mummy shouldn’t have left him. He laid back and down and I lay down with him but he didn’t watch me like he would normally do. He fell asleep quickly exhausted from the screaming no doubt and I left to clean the house, I feel like I hurt my baby emotionally and as I write this the tears are welling up in my eyes because I can’t believe I let him scream and left him when he needed me to the most. Do I look like a monster to him now? Does he believe that I love him?
I’m waiting for him to wake up now. I hoping he will back to his normal self. Talking and being funny as he normally is, but what if he isn’t. What will I do if he doesn’t want to be near me or wants his daddy to put him to bed not his Mummy?