In my late teens I decided that I didn’t want children. I wanted to get married at twenty five buy a few dogs and be done. It’s not that I hated kids because I don’t and I had done plenty of babysitting in my teens but I was worried about stuffing my kids up. As kid I had heard numerous times from adults that if they knew what having kids was like before they had them they wouldn’t have had any. Are kids really that bad?
In my early twenties I still didn’t want kids. I made it clear to the guy I got in a relationship with. He was like yeah that’s cool but you might change your mind. When I was twenty one planning our wedding I realized I was very late like four weeks late. I didn’t ovulate normal anyways so I missed periods all time, sometimes two or three months without one. I know I’m lucky right? Not really, if I missed some it’s like my body would make up for it. I didn’t think about it til I was talking to a friend and the subject of periods came up and I explained that I had skipped my last but it was no big shock because that sometimes happens. When she said maybe you’re pregnant. I laughed it off as I was on the pill, I couldn’t be pregnant. A couple of days later I couldn’t get what she said out of my head. So I bought a pregnancy test and I took the test and to my shock it was positive. A really light line but there it was. I told the father when he came home he didn’t really have much to say, apart from okay. I spent the rest of the night trying to get to start a conversation about the future which now included a child but he wasn’t interested. Maybe he was shocked I don’t know.
The next morning I suffered a miscarriage. I had only known I was pregnant for less the twenty four hours. I won’t share the gory details with you but a call to the doctor had confirmed what I was experiencing sounded like a miscarriage and to let it run its course. Despite the pain my then at the time mother in law insisted I go a family reunion. My now ex-husband stated that I shouldn’t be upset I didn’t want it anyway. Yes I had said I didn’t want children but the positive test changed everything. After going through the miscarriage I wanted children more than I ever thought I would. Well I wanted a child. Why the sudden shift? I don’t know, all I do know is that everything changed for me that day. I did feel loss and sadness despite that fact that some people think I shouldn’t I only found the day before and I can say I know it wasn’t the same as someone who longed for a child but wasn’t I entitled to feel sad.
So yes I wanted a child but not right away. I wanted to wait till I was thirty before I got pregnant. I wanted a career first, a house and be financially set up before having child. That was my ideal plan, but as you know plans don’t always work out. I fell pregnant again on the pill when I was twenty two years old. Again I was shocked to discover this. I was late again buy two months but that was not unusual for me.
This time I found out the doctors as I had a chest infection and mentioned that I think I pulled a muscle due some pain on my right side. The doctor decided a test since it was too low to be a pulled muscle. When she announced I was pregnant I was shocked but happy. The father of my oldest son refused to hug me as the doctor suggested and he then asked me if I was keeping the baby on the way home, yes I couldn’t believe he asked me that either and my answer was of course I am.
After my son was born I experienced some complications (check out my birth story part 1) and was told that I couldn’t have any more children. So I was happy with the one child. When he started to get older I thought it would have been nice to give him a sibling. When I met Mr C and we talked about children and I told him that a midwife had told me I couldn’t have any more children and with Master J going through the terrible twos I wasn’t sure I wanted another one. Mr C had said he had wanted to have a child but it was okay if couldn’t. Then at age three I asked my doctor for the Depo-Provera, a needle which I could get every three months to stop my periods which were extremely painful. He asked about me having more children. Which I explained that midwife said I couldn’t. He thought this was odd and checked my records. Turns out I can have more children. I was thrilled. I went from a young woman not wanting children to wanting two. Or maybe I always did want children but the fear of damaging them emotionally made me think that I didn’t. I guess I will never know, but what I do know is I’m extremely blessed to be a mother whether surprised or planned, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Note: my doctor explained the pill wasn’t 100% effective (I knew that) but I don’t tolerate the pill well as it gives me an upset stomach and this perhaps is the reason for falling pregnant twice while using the pill.