Sorry I left 

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted and I’m sorry. I had to take time to treat and heal. The depression I thought I was over well it came back and it came back hard. It was all consuming, every day was a fight within myself to get through another day. I wanted to curl up in bed and stay there.

It’s not that I wasn’t ever happy but the moments I was were small and far between. I could fake it all day with the kids but my husband received messages all day on how I couldn’t cope. When he got home I was done. I couldn’t cook or put the kids down for the night. I could barely move. He did it all and I appreciated it but couldn’t say it. His work started to suffer when I needed him home more. I didn’t know who I was or how I would get over the depression. Bad days would be every second day and the day in between I was just on auto pilot.

I knew I needed help before it got worse. So off the doctors leaving with a another prescription to help with the symptoms but again not the core problem. I didn’t know the core problem at that point so if they asked what was causing it I couldn’t give them an answer.

Some improvement on the medication but it led to insomnia again. How could I take this tablet to help when lack of sleep wasn’t helping me function. This was every night. Every night for six months and I felt like the doctor didn’t take me seriously. Two hours of sleep was making me worse.

Finally a change in doctor my doctor’s wife actually new tablet and referral.  The tablets help with the sleep and the depression on a whole but the weight gain associated is the down point. I’m not cured by any means but I’m taking the steps to get there. My husband is back at work four days a week at the moment and we are working on him returning to full time as I hopefully continue to improve.

I’m under no illusion that my children haven’t been affected by this. I’m sure master 7 knows more about depression then he should at this age. But I don’t want my children to ever feel that it’s normal to struggle every day and to hide it. I’m sure there be discussions about it as my children get older. I want to be open  with them.

I know better then to feel ashamed about mental illness and I still feel weird calling it at an illness but that is what it is. Still I don’t share my depression with those closest  to me aside from my husband. I fear how their perception of me will change. One always worried about how the world sees her as a mother, wife,  daughter and daughter in law. I’m working on this. If I can tell the whole world about my struggle with depression and anxiety I can learn share with those closest and dearest to me.

Will post updates with information on my treatment aside from just medication.

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