My Anxiety Story

I don’t remember a time before I had anxiety. I know there must have been a time in my childhood when I wasn’t but it was probably very early on as I was also an anxious child.

Extreme worry has been a huge part of my life. If I have nothing to worry about I will find something to worry about without meaning to. I don’t know what I would do if I had nothing to worry about or if that is even possible What do I worry about? First my children. I always worry when I go to bed at night when my anxiety is at its highest, I worry whether the windows are shut in their rooms. Is the back gate locked. Is Master Ts sheet up too high. Has Master J put his head under the pillows again. If someone breaks in my children would be kidnapped. I could write more on my night time worries but it would be another page or so.

My anxiety definitely peaks in pregnancy for me. The first 12 weeks everyone knows it the most risky and I spent every night laying there willing my baby to be okay. Then after that I make stages I need to get through 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 38 weeks and then birth..

Then the sids worry starts for me.I’m sure most parents worry about that I just take it to next level. I will send my fiancé to go check on the baby and then I will check myself multiple times a night. If he  didn’t wake by a certain time for a feed  is he ok? The fright I felt when I woke up and realized he hadn’t woken up for anything and had slept through.

Then there is money. Or course isn’t money just the most common concern. My deep rooted money concerns come from childhood. There was never a lot of money and some times we didn’t have enough food. I remember one year when I was about 6 years old someone came to door with a box of food I don’t remember who but it might have been the salvation army.The thought of one day not being able to provide for my children eats me up inside. Food, a roof over our head, education and excursions. All of that is very important to me.

This is what I worry about and I have no solution. And I’ve heard “just don’t worry about it”. Really I do try but it doesn’t work that way. And  my doctor did put me on anxiety medication after the birth of youngest  and while it did help with night time obsessive thoughts I also developed insomnia. More time to worry when you cant sleep right.So now I’m off that medication.  Maybe it’s time to seek professional help. I haven’t made that decision yet and I think you have to be ready to seek help if you want to get the most out of it.

 

 

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