This is the letter to my first born son. The things I wish I could say and that I know he is too young to understand.
Dear firstborn son,
I wanted to apologize for things we have gone through in the past six years. I want to explain why some of these things happened. First I want to apologize for having no idea what I was doing when you were born. I had prepared myself the best way I knew how, I read every baby book and asked so many questions and yet I still had no idea. I hate to admit it but I winged a lot of your first year. I hoped for the best. Had I messed you up?
Next I want to apologize for how the things ended with your father. I tried to make things work for your sake but deep down I knew it had to end. I’m not sorry it ended it was toxic and not a situation I wanted us to be in and this meant us being alone just me and you against the world for lack of a better explanation. I’m sorry I didn’t force him to be a part of your life, and I’m sorry that when you question why he chose not see you, I have to be the one to tell you there is nothing wrong with you, that you are an amazing, funny, kind and loving boy and that his faults don’t reflect on you
I’m sorry I got upset when you wouldn’t stop crying. I’m sorry that I was scared to take you out by myself in case you screamed and I couldn’t settle you. The judgment was more than I could take at that time. I did enjoy our little outings once a fortnight to the shops when I would get a coffee and you would have your bottle. It was just us spending time together then we would window shop till we needed to go home.
I’m sorry I didn’t always put your needs first. I’m sorry that I didn’t always hold you when you were supposed to go to sleep. I’m sorry I sat on the chair in your room and listened to you cry and cried myself. I thought I was doing better than letting you cry yourself to sleep alone. Controlled crying they called it, something I was never comfortable doing. I’m sorry I didn’t find a way that worked better for us.
I’m you sorry you had to get used to sharing me when I entered into a relationship with Mr C. You made it very clear that my hugs were only for you. You would try to squeeze between us and very were vocal I was your mummy. I’m not sorry that I did invite Mr C in our little family. I think Mr C was just right for us. He knew that you would come first always and he understood that.
I’m sorry I missed your first sports day; I was at home with your little brother recovering from the C-section. I’m sorry I have missed some assemblies when you received awards due to being sick or not sleeping. I’m sorry you experienced me having depression. I’m sorry you have experienced my mummy guilt first hand, that my own insecurities have affected my parenting. I’m also sorry for the times I should have said no instead of yes, the times I took the easy way.
I’m sorry for the mistakes I will make in the future but I do try to be a better mother and parent every day.
Love from Mummy
P.S you’re amazing and I will love you more then you will ever know.