When pregnant with my first child some friends recommended buying a porta-cot instead of a normal cot. The reasoning being it was easier to move around and didn’t take up as much space. Having a small and an irregular shaped room to be used as the nursery I decided it was a good idea. It also had the bassinet insert. However Master J seemed to hate the sleeping in that so I brought a traditional bassinet and moved him into our room till he outgrew the bassinet and moved back into the lowered part of the porta-cot at five months.
I felt sick today. Maybe it was due that fact that I had to stop taking my anxiety pills (in preparation for a new medication) or maybe it was because in just a few minutes I had to see my ex mother- in -law. It had before four years since I had last seen her, and it’s been four years since she had seen Master J. That was entirely her choice, but now I had to take my son to see a woman he doesn’t know. I didn’t want to do this. For the six years I was with her son she put me down in every possible way. Every contact with that woman who I will call Mrs D filled me with dread and today I felt it over again.
I have actually thought for some time now I’m might be depressed but was waiting for the signs to appear just as they did when I was diagnosed at age sixteen. The feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, getting through each day on co-pilot, just no joy in anything. Well this time those feelings and emotions didn’t come up like that. So I would reassure myself that I’m completely fine. It’s just the insomnia that’s making me feel tired, emotional and to a certain point completely numb. My relationship with my sons is great and this was confusing as I expected this change. I expected my other relationships to be affected but these two relationships were what feel like normal. I expected with depression that this wouldn’t be case so this was another reason to reassure myself you are fine this isn’t depression.